run, run, run

For the longest time, I was tiny. Like, 5'0 and 80 lbs tiny. And then we moved and I was bullied, and had zero friends... and joined color guard (dancing with wooden rifles and flags). So I had to work out A LOT. I steadily gained weight, with the help of stress eating and the constant work outs. I wasn't necessarily healthy, but I was getting better.

I continued to steadily gain weight every year. In high school, I was honestly pretty small still, but at the time I thought I was too fat. Then came college, where I continued to gain weight, and finally, I left college, went to a mental health facility, and gained A TON OF WEIGHT (right before my wedding...).

And then I started to run.

Running and I had a huge love hate relationship. I loved the tiny marks of weight loss that I could see, but I hated leaving my house and actually going running. I loved how I felt less hungry and wasn't interested in junk food, but I hated the time 'wasted' while running.

I loved how I was feeling. I felt good. I felt full of energy. I ran two half marathons (though the second one wasn't quite as good), I did things I couldn't even believe..

And then I hurt my feet.
Badly.

For the past two-three months it's been a lot of back and forth. Lots of 'second' opinions later and we're still not sure what's going on with my feet. It seems that lots of bones are moving where they shouldn't be..

The funny thing is, while running, I wasn't getting injured as much as I did BEFORE I started running. My hips weren't hurting, my ankles were fine, I felt good. And then as soon as I stopped, everything started hurting again. Shocks of pain hit my entire body like a ton of bricks, and it's incredibly painful. I stand on my tippy toes, and my feet kill me for the rest of the day. My hamstring pain is back, an unexplainable pain that often stopped me from doing things. And it sucks. But I'm doing physical therapy, hoping to get back to running very soon.

Well, this week I got some really upsetting news.

I was talking to my physical therapist, and I said "I really want to be able to run a full marathon next year," and then seconds later I said "ouch, my hip hurts!"

Next thing I know he's saying that I can't run marathons, or even half marathons. My body isn't made for running, and for long term health I should consider not running anymore.

If I really want to 'compete' still, I could do triathlons though..

WHAT.
When has me not being able to run ever been on the table? When has that been brought up or discussed by my actual doctors? The only person to tell me to stop running was my physical therapist.

And then I say "well, I don't know how to swim and I'm not a huge fan of biking. I like running."
"Why do you like to run when it's killing your body?"
I looked at him, not sure how to explain.
"It's because of the 'high' isn't it? You love how it makes you feel?"
"Well, yeah but-"
"That high is going to end in you getting a knee replacement or a hip replacement. You can't do this anymore."

At first I was kind of in shock. And then I tried explaining, and then I was in shock again.

It's not like I absolutely LOVE running, but after my half marathons I felt good. Proud. Because my horribly pained body that stinks at any kind of sport actually accomplished something. I ran for 13.1 STRAIGHT MILES UP AND DOWNHILL. HOW IS THAT NOT AMAZING?!

But according to my PT, it's not amazing. It's bad.

And he's an olympic sports trainer.